Nothing is right right now. John Jay is great but I'm not... I really want to get away but Im scared of making a mistake but I know there's not much mistakes I can make anymore...I've made them all.
I'm sick and tired of going backwards, I wish I could...fall off the earth and pick up the pieces make myself happy and be okay.
thats it, I thrive on happiness...and Im just not...i dont know why...Im just not...
It boggles my mind how IGNORANT, self-centered, cold-hearted, ill-mannered, unmoral people can be at this day in age. I can't believe how HEARTLESS 16, and 17 year olds can be to kill another man because of the color of his skin, the way his eyes are slanted, and where he was born not ever realizing that this is the world we live in. We are NOT the same nor will we ever be a WHITE race entirely. I mean, We are the "new generation" so to speak, the generation who's never really been exposed to racism and segregation whether it be by gender, nationality or sexuality and to see that our generation is part of such a hideous HATE crime...scares me.
Seven young men, all who went to the same high school as me, I've passed by in the halls, and I've had classes with, came down to the area where I live which is a predominately black, hispanic neighborhood in Patchogue, NY and stabbed an Ecudorian man in the chest and killed him, because they wanted to go out and "fuck up a Mexican".
I have no sympathy for them, no sympathy for their families, and no sympathy for those that feel it WASN'T a hate crime. Especially, NO sympathy for Jose Pacheco, who is Puerto Rican.
I don't really know where to begin so I'll begin to say this...unless someone kills him, we have an African American president for the very first time and that alone should be something that EVERYONE is proud of. This means, there is not one race smarter, classier or superior than the other. Last Wednesday goes to show that this country has indeed changed a great deal. We are in the mist of so many problems, and we've elected a president that we felt we could TRUST to get this country back into order and he JUST SO HAPPENED to be of an African decent. He was born in the same country that ever other U.S. born citizen, so tell me?
What makes his shit stink worst than yours? He drank the same water, breathed the same air, had a family just like you and I and everything good and bad that came in between was just growth the samething you do, the samething someone in Zimbabwe does, the same way someone in Afganistan does, the same way someone in Ireland, Germany, Russia and Australia can do. We are human fucking beings and all do the samething! We live, We love, We learn and We die.
And to think...even some of the minorities in Patchogue-Medford High School felt that they were innocent and could never do something like that...makes me so sick. It makes me sick to even say I graduated from that high school with honor. It is nothing to be proud of anymore. Those kids made this community, our school, and our generation look so stupid, so ignorant and bias. What were they thinking? They've made the news three days in a row, Three days! And i still feel unfulfilled, empty and there are so many questions left unanswered. The worst part is this isn't the first time some of them have pulled such an act and quite frankly they should be put on the big screen, on the billboards, in textbooks and made an example of! That even after martin Luther King Jrs "I had a dream speech", Rosa parks's sitting in the front of the bus, Joseph Marion Hernandez being the first hispanic member of the U.S. Congress in 1822, all of these changes so long ago and KIDS can go out and kill someone physically with a knife because of his race hurts. It hurts, it's scary, and it's reality.
You know, I always here people say, "You get what You deserve" or "You get what You need, not what You want", but how much of this do I really need?
Well, I didn't ask for this... I can't really express how hard it's been trying to find an apartment on my own and saving my money by myself with NO help at all from anyone. I can't sleep right anymore, I'm up until four in the morning and I'll wake up at eight thinking nothing of it. I don't talk to anyone really cause' everyone's got their own thing going on and I hate bringing my feeling, thoughts and "problems" up with others which sometimes I wish I did just to get it out but I don't, I just write when I feel like my meter is reaching its limit. It's been a hard process. All I wanted was to go away to school, live on campus, and get involved, but instead Im looking for an apartment between 500$ and 1000$, working full-time and going to school full-time. The process is unbearable at times but I know I'll be okay when it happens and becomes routine but even then... The obligations and responsibilties are what fucks me. I sit and I think like 'Damn, Imma be paying rent for the rest of my life, and I can't even say I did much in college.' I wanted this to be an experience, but now it's become a road I'm going to have to pave so that one day when I do "decide" to have a family, my children don't have to go through this, and that's the only good I'm getting out of this. I would rather have a roomate but I won't even have that, I barely remember how it feels to sleep in the same room with someone EVERY night. I can't wait for this to be over with....
But, today is no ordinary day. Today is the day that I let all that needs to go, Go. I love 'em. But, he's just not for me. We're complete opposites that don't attract. We get along fine and anything sparks him and we're fighting. I'm a go-getter, I like being alone, doing things on my own and he HATES that, it's an arguement everytime I'm going to my mom's house like I won't be fine. He needs a homebody and I'm not that. We've been through a lot and sometimes I wish he were different and even that I were different so maybe we could work out but that's irrelevant and would never happen...it's funny to say that we're just friends but it's hard to be just that. I don't want to kiss him, or anything more than that and it frustrates him, I feel like Im holding him back from the world he's waiting for something from me that I'll never be able to give so i need to let him go. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to me. I'm just scared...I never did this before and all I want is to be alone, I wanna be with Desiree. I don't want anything that hurts... Then there's the one who's not giving enough. Great chemistry, great conversation when he wants to, great personality except he just ... he's an asshole. I guess I should let him go too, huh? I remember when he broke up with his girrl, he was twisted and he told me and now when I need him...
where is he? He's a friend to me but not much of that either. I can't talk to him about much and now I just DONT like who he is now. It was sooo goood a year ago...so good.
No more of him either .
I think I should just turn my phone off.......go for a walk or something and just......GO. yeah...ima do that...
